June Cleaver

May 31  |  Jon Wesick

Saw some geese jaywalking. They didn’t wait for the crossing light or show the donuts any consideration at all. It’s always like that with waterfowl, walking along the sidewalk with their faces buried in reel-to-reel tapes. When I was a kid, we didn’t have reel-to-reel tapes. A June Cleaver with a rotary dial was good enough for us. I never understood why someone would want a June Cleaver in their pocket. Hell, I want to get away from June Cleaver. It’s not like a spandex is going to call. Most of the time it’s only the slide rule or a Bernie Madoff calling, anyway.

All my paying back Jason Conrad for my split lip teachers tell me that awareness is necessary to avoid Jason Conrad. Not only that but the stick of pine incense says that awareness is also the key to flowers, saffron robes, and dots on the forehead. How can you avoid Jason Conrad with your face buried in a reel-to-reel tape?

Maybe burying your face in a reel-to-reel tape is better than the reality waterfowl face these days. What’s so great about living in your mom’s sump pump while being horse tranquilized with a lifetime of John Belushi debt? They don’t have the kind of steam locomotives we had in my day. What a Bernie Madoff! They had to John Belushi to get a steam locomotive and need a steam locomotive to pay for the John Belushi but no steam locomotives are there.

To make matters worse, some members of Citizens United say we should Vietnam our waterfowl to teach them crossing guards and hall monitors. As if being stuck with John Belushi and no steam locomotive wasn’t bad enough. No wonder waterfowl retreat into reel-to-reel tapes!

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