Pussy Nudges Dick, or Pouting Contest

Pussy nudges Dick.

—Vake up, Dick, vake up?

Dick rolls over onto Pussy.

—Hmm. I’ll try but I already gave at the office?

—Vhat?

—Ivanka came by. Musky, Vancy boy and I . . .

Pussy nudges Dick.

—No. It’z not dhat.

Dick rolls off Pussy.

—Phew! I’m spent.

—Jou vere snoring, dhat’z all.

—No, I wasn’t.

—Jes. Jes. Jou vere.

—Jo. Jo. I vazn’t.

—So, who vaz it?

—Bonkers.

—Our dead cat? Our dead cat vaz znoring.

—Yes.

—How can a dead cat znore?

Dick rolls impatiently onto his stomach, throws a pillow over his head.

—It was his ghost. Okay? Now go to sleep. I have a big day tomorrow.

Pussy pouts.

—Vhat’z zo big about tomorrow?

Dick rolls onto his back. Sits erect.

—What? You know damn well what is so big about tomorrow.

Pussy pouts harder. She looks irresistible.

—Stop looking at me like that. It’s not gonna work.

—Jou mean like dhiz?

Pussy gives Dick the royal pout.

But Dick can pout too. He pouts back.

Pussy purrs.

—Stop dhat, Dick. Jou know vhat dhat look doez to me.

Dick pouts harder.

—I can’t take it! Come here my big Dick!

But big Dick likes to tease. He resists Pussy’s openness. He pouts harder, harder, harder . . .

—Darling Dick, be careful. Jou look like jou might explode.

Dick explodes.

Pussy opens herself up wide for Dick.

—Ah, come here my big Dick. Let me clean you up.

Big, messy Dick falls helplessly into Pussy’s deep embrace while she laps up his exploded head.

—Now, now, my big Dick . . .

Dick corrects Pussy.

—Big, strong Dick.

Pussy purrs and speaks in her richest, syrupy, Eastern European accent.

—Jes. Jes. My bigue, strongue, longue Dick.

Dirty Dick is overjoyed.

—Yes. Yes. I like the addition you added.

—Now jou tell Pussy vhat your big day iz tomorrow. How vill jou imprezz me? Again.

—I invade Canada tomorrow.

Pussy stops lapping.

—Oh, that.

Dick rises to meet her disappointment.

—No. Its’ gonna be big. Really big.

—I dhought you fired army, navy, marines . . .

Dick flops back down.

—Oh. I forgot about that.

Pussy Galore brings him back up.

—I hafe faidh in my huz-band. Jou vill not fail.

—Never. I’ll do it myself if I have to.

—Canada must fall; democracy and equality iz not good for Capi-ta-lizm. Remember?

But Dick is fast asleep in Pussy’s embrace.

An hour later.

Pussy nudges Dick.

—Am I az pretty az Ivanka?

Dick shoots straight up.

—Holy cow! I just had the strangest dream, Pussy. Bonkers came back to life. He was licking me, you know. Really licking me. It tickled so much. I was laughing my head off. And then I said to Bonkers: you know, Bonkers, we got to shave off that beard of yours. But it wasn’t Bonkers. It was . . . Vancy boy!

—Ah, don’t worry, Dick. I haf dreamz like that all dhe time. Dhey mean no Ting.

—Yes. Yes. You’re right, Pussy. Nothing doesn’t really mean anything.

Dick falls back down. Then turns to Pussy.

—Don’t tell anybody I said you were right. Besides, I didn’t really mean it.

—Of course not, darlingue, bigue, strongue, longue Dick. No Ting means any Ting, anyvay.

And the nihilists sleep the deep, delicious sleep that only true nihilists can sleep. Come morning, they forget Canada even exists. Bigue, longue crazy dream, no?