All Out War
âAtten-shun! You up the back! Flipp-Ant and Irrit-Ant! Eyes front!â
Every ant in the room stood to attention, antennae quivering as their fearless leader addressed the ranks.
âTonight we launch our attack. We have played second fiddle to those cockroaches in the basement long enough. We outnumber them 1000 to 1. We will carry their desiccated bodies on our shoulders to Queen Brilli-Ant; trophies of our victory! Do you understand?â
âYes, Serge-Ant!â
âDefend-Ant, Resist-Ant, and Milit-Ant, will be the Squad Leaders. Defend-Ant will take his team out the attic window, and follow the drainpipe down to the basement. Theyâll be our rearguard, cleaning up stragglers and attacking from behind.
Resist-Ant will head down the chimney, through the fireplace, and will wait for the signal to attack from Milit-Ant.
Milit-Ant will run along the skirting boards to the kitchen and will spring a surprise attack on the enemy as soon as the lights go out and they come out of hiding.
Keep your wits about you at all times. Roaches are fast and cunning. This house belongs to us! We are the Triumph-Ant Assail-Ants!â
âHooah!â
Meanwhile, in the basementâŠ
âBruce, Barry! What on earth are you two doing? Is that weed?â
âAffirmative, Cap-I-Tan. Weâre just two cucaracha enjoying some marry-joo-wana.â
âWe have our watershed moment tonight! Our victory over these puny ants must be resounding and final! You Aussie cockroaches donât give a damn about it, do you?â
âRelax, boss-man. Youâre way too uptight. Are you sure you donât want a drag? Itâll help you chillax.â
âNo! Now on your feet, soldiers! This is war. We take this house tonight or die trying.â
âBazza, you want to die tonight?â
âNot me, mate. Sounds like a terrible plan. Hey, but if you do succeed, Cappy Cap, can you bring us back some corn chips? Iâm as hungry as a⊠as a what, Bruce?â
âAs a cockroach with the munchies, Baz.â
âRight then, the rest of you who care about territory and want a better future for your children, follow me. Remember, those ants are small but plentiful and will swarm before you can sayââ
âSalsa!â chorus Baz and Bruce.
The Captainâs antennae twitch uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, in the kitchenâŠ
âBabe, donât forget to set those bombs tonight. The ant one goes in the attic, and the cockie one in the basement. If they donât work, weâll have to call in an exterminator.â
âDonât worry, Hon. The guy at the hardware store assured me these would get the job done. âNo mess, no fussâ, he said. This is a war weâre going to win!â