All Out War
‘Atten-shun! You up the back! Flipp-Ant and Irrit-Ant! Eyes front!’
Every ant in the room stood to attention, antennae quivering as their fearless leader addressed the ranks.
‘Tonight we launch our attack. We have played second fiddle to those cockroaches in the basement long enough. We outnumber them 1000 to 1. We will carry their desiccated bodies on our shoulders to Queen Brilli-Ant; trophies of our victory! Do you understand?’
‘Yes, Serge-Ant!’
‘Defend-Ant, Resist-Ant, and Milit-Ant, will be the Squad Leaders. Defend-Ant will take his team out the attic window, and follow the drainpipe down to the basement. They’ll be our rearguard, cleaning up stragglers and attacking from behind.
Resist-Ant will head down the chimney, through the fireplace, and will wait for the signal to attack from Milit-Ant.
Milit-Ant will run along the skirting boards to the kitchen and will spring a surprise attack on the enemy as soon as the lights go out and they come out of hiding.
Keep your wits about you at all times. Roaches are fast and cunning. This house belongs to us! We are the Triumph-Ant Assail-Ants!’
‘Hooah!’
Meanwhile, in the basement…
‘Bruce, Barry! What on earth are you two doing? Is that weed?’
‘Affirmative, Cap-I-Tan. We’re just two cucaracha enjoying some marry-joo-wana.’
‘We have our watershed moment tonight! Our victory over these puny ants must be resounding and final! You Aussie cockroaches don’t give a damn about it, do you?’
‘Relax, boss-man. You’re way too uptight. Are you sure you don’t want a drag? It’ll help you chillax.’
‘No! Now on your feet, soldiers! This is war. We take this house tonight or die trying.’
‘Bazza, you want to die tonight?’
‘Not me, mate. Sounds like a terrible plan. Hey, but if you do succeed, Cappy Cap, can you bring us back some corn chips? I’m as hungry as a… as a what, Bruce?’
‘As a cockroach with the munchies, Baz.’
‘Right then, the rest of you who care about territory and want a better future for your children, follow me. Remember, those ants are small but plentiful and will swarm before you can say—’
‘Salsa!’ chorus Baz and Bruce.
The Captain’s antennae twitch uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen…
‘Babe, don’t forget to set those bombs tonight. The ant one goes in the attic, and the cockie one in the basement. If they don’t work, we’ll have to call in an exterminator.’
‘Don’t worry, Hon. The guy at the hardware store assured me these would get the job done. ‘No mess, no fuss’, he said. This is a war we’re going to win!’