Office of the New Residents’ Facilitator
New Canary Wharf—No. 6
Airstrip One
Oceania

Dear New Resident,

Welcome to Administrative Unit 34B.

We trust that the time you spend in our prefecture will be healthful and prosperous. We ask you to speedily sign the standard paper work and releases, and also to surrender your former identification card and to carry your new identification card at all times. Among other documents, we ask for a complete list of all your friends, partners, and biological relatives, living here or elsewhere, so that when the last such person dies, we can take down your grave stone (should you reject cremation).

Tomorrow is the inter-prefecture semi-finals in (European-style) football. We hope to see you there and rooting for our home team. “BEEs Sting!” In a slightly more rarified event, Homer Smith, one of our centenarians, will be interviewed on Friday at 1 pm in Great Prefecture Hall by Station 1. Smith was at the signing of the paperwork—some 60 years ago—which effectuated the division of old District 34 into our modern prefectures: A, B, and C. The Smith interview is open to the public and free.

Our administrative unit’s official motto is: Health, Fairness, Environment, Culture & Education. So it should not surprise you that we chose you among other applicants seeking to immigrate to our (now your) prefecture because you have (as far as we can discover) no strongly held folkways, practices, or views—on anything. We believe that (former) outsiders like you from distant districts, regions, and prefectures add to our ever-growing cultural diversity, but we seek to do so in a way that guarantees our social cohesion.

In the event that you violate a minor domestic regulation (i.e., under Schedule 1 and its annex) and you are under 18, you will be assigned community service and ordered to apologize to any victims of your wrongdoing (should they remain alive). If you violate a major domestic regulation (i.e., under Schedule 2 and its annex) and you are over 18, you will be sent down for correction, but we cannot send you back to your former prefecture, as it is in political disarray and your human rights may be threatened by your return there. Your statutory right to life-time permanent residence (that is, your right against deportation) vests after 60 days; your statutory right to vote in municipal elections vests after 6 months; your statutory right to vote in prefecture-wide elections and for an inter-prefecture delegate to the Union vests after 12 months. These notifications are in accord with the Inter-Prefecture Notifications & Paperwork Regulation, Official Journal and Records 2013/4401, as amended, 2016/7899, as amended, 2025/9276.

Any questions you may have can be directed to my office, the New Residents’ Facilitation Bureau, and, after 12-months’-residence have elapsed, to the Citizens Information Board.

Wishing you,
—per our prefectural motto:
(good) Health,
(accommodations going to) Fairness,
(a secure) Environment,
(and accessible) Culture & Education,
/s/
H. Appleby Steerpike, Senior New Residents’ Facilitator