I walk up to the vending machine and press E6 for a Mountain Dew Cool Mint Chili-Lime Mochaccino.

$13.65. All good. Tap the card.

My phone beeps. New text message from 845362.

“How would I rate my recent purchase of MOUNTAIN DEW COOL MINT CHILI-LIME MOCHACCINO on a scale of 1 to 5?”

Hmm, do they mean the drink itself or the purchase of the drink? I haven’t had any yet because the can is still sitting in the dispenser. I make a snap decision and go with the purchase, because I can’t afford to get stuck in the weeds. The drink came out about as quickly as you could expect. No issues… Fuck it, five stars.

Pick it up, pop the top. My phone beeps. New message from 356467.

“How would I rate my recent survey experience regarding my recent purchase of MOUNTAIN DEW COOL MINT CHILI-LIME MOCHACCINO?”.

This one has a bit more chest hair. We’ve got several categories: Promptness, Clarity, Accuracy, and Delight. I start with Promptness. Five stars there, no question, as the can hadn’t reached the bottom before the text came through. Clarity is next. Also pretty straightforward, as the message was quite understandable, all in all. Five stars, sure. Onward to Accuracy. Well, they sure nailed the name of the drink, though it is a bit short by contemporary Dew standards. Uh, five again.

Delight.

Hm.

How much delight had I gotten out of the survey? I do like being asked questions, because as a fully actualized human being and shrewd consumer, my opinion matters. But how much can I realistically say my enjoyment of the day has increased post-submission? The recognition of the value of my evaluation of this transaction notwithstanding, am I truly any happier?

Man, bit of a head-scratcher here. I check my watch to see how long I’ve been standing in front of the vending machine. The watch screen lights up, and to my great relief, it’s only been about four and a half minutes. Ok, back to business.

My phone beeps. New message from 738948.

“How would I rate my recent experience checking the current time on my smartwatch?”, and a kicker, “How likely would I be to recommend this experience to a friend?”

Man, ok. We’re gonna have to commit to three stars on Mountain Dew survey delight, since it’s fair to say the impact was negligible. Five stars for the watch experience; time requested, time provided. The friend thing… lot of factors there. The likelihood really depends on the friend, right? Some people like vintage or collectable watches and the experience that goes along with checking a watch of that type. Certainly wouldn’t want to rob anyone of their preference…

My phone beeps. New message from 209378.

“How would you rate your recent online purchase of TRU COMFORT™ BOXER BRIEFS 6-PACK (L)?”

What the fuck? That was literally hours ago.

Ok, “Somewhat Likely” for the watch recommendation since you have to know your audience. On to the boxers. My personal experience was flawless, but I distinctly recall that size (S) was sold out. That didn’t affect me directly, but I can imagine a scenario where someone would be affected by such a thing, and so I can’t in good conscience go five. However, (S) is at the lower end of the body-size bell curve, and probably the best case scenario for sizes to be out of, so I think shaving off one star gets us pretty close…

My train of thought is suddenly interrupted.

My kid wants a Mountain Dew as well.