It’s Christmas Eve. I’m trying to start over. Getting high and drinking beer and the new medications are finally working.

My son died three months ago.

But I’m watching YouTube. Classic Conan. Conan O’Brien dressing up as Santa Claus.

It’s the first time I’ve laughed in three months.

And for a second, I forget.

And for a second, I feel Jesus in my heart, because I know this holiday is about him, and I heard on a podcast that he is the light in the darkness.

My wife is upstairs sleeping. She took 3 Ambien and drank a whole wine. I should be worried about her. But I’m finally having fun. I’m high and drunk and the new medications are finally working.

I’m excited. I remember a show I watched when I was a kid. I think it’s called What Would You Do? and for some reason I think it stars Zach Morris, but I only think that because I’m high and drunk and the new medications are finally working.

I start typing with great difficulty, using the remote control and the QWERTY keyboard on the YouTube search page on my big screen. It’s frustratingly slow-going.

I start to make progress and type what should. I type should instead of would because I forget halfway through that the name of the show is What Would You Do? because I’m high and drunk.

My search history is saved with my account, so when I type what should, it tries to be helpful. It remembers my recent searches — not just on this device, but on all my devices, including my phone.

The app is very useful in this way. It makes sure you don’t spend too much time having to type every single letter using a remote control’s left, right, up, and down buttons on your TV screen’s QWERTY keyboard, which is a clumsy, time-consuming process, especially when you’re high and drunk and the medications are finally starting to work and it’s Christmas Eve and you’re finally having a good time and you want to watch one of your favorite shows from childhood called What Would You Do, starring Zach Morris — which isn’t actually a real show.

The autocomplete makes a helpful suggestion, because it knows my recent searches, including the ones I did on my phone, since all my devices are linked. And because I’ve already managed to type what should, it gives me an autocomplete suggestion from three months ago; it has a long memory; it says:

What should you do when your son can’t breathe?